We Have A Contact For That
by LionessInTheSmoke
Summary: There were tentacles. It was rank. There is swearing, and I borrowed Jack Harkness from Torchwood, so look away if you can't deal with men kissing (but anything more is just implied). Not really a crossover, I just wanted the world to contain more secrets than even secret spies know about.


**AN** \- My second Camp NaNoWriMo piece. It would not do what I wanted. It is not really a Torchwood crossover, I just like Jack.

Swearing. Because Eggsy.

Men kissing. Because Jack.

Various types of goo implied, but only implied. Yeah, this is pretty much clean, but you can wear your (pre-)slash-goggles if you've got them to hand.

* * *

It had taken quite some time, and the imbibition of generous amounts of tea with liberal splashes of brandy (not the good stuff), to finally calm Eggsy down.

Harry understands. Really he does. He can clearly remember the day that he found out. Although, he thinks his "stiff upper lip" childhood training stood him in unusually good stead that day, and perhaps this is a situation where Eggsy would have benefited from it too. The fact that his encounter had been altogether less ... gooey was probably also a plus point he had not been able to fully appreciate at the time. With hindsight, he definitely could. Eggsy's suit was likely ruined. Who knew how the goo could end up reacting to cleaning substances?

In the end, what probably helps most is the fact that Harry is not phased. Surprised, yes, but not disbelieving. Matter-of-fact, just as his own mentor had been all those years ago. "It's alright Eggsy, we have a contact who deals with this sort of thing."

"There were _tentacles_. It was _rank_ Harry." Eggsy says again. He is well on his way to intoxicated and his eyes are still wide, but the shaking has stopped.

"Why don't you go and have a shower?" Harry suggests. The goo is drying and will probably start to be itchy and flaky soon, and Harry doesn't want it on the carpets. "You should probably go to medical for it though. It would be best if there was someone on hand to help if the substance reacts badly to water."

"Fucking hell Harry!"

"Language." Harry tsks. "By the time you are back, hopefully the specialist will be here. Shower. Now, please. I don't want to see you again until you are clean and properly dressed. You will appreciate it later, you'll want to make a good impression."

Eggsy slouches out of his chair in the direction of the tube shuttle. The chair may need reupholstering, Harry thinks, the goo has a distinctly sulfurous whiff to it.

Harry takes a minute after Eggsy is gone, with his own fortified cup of tea, to fully realize how lucky he had been with his own encounter of the third kind. The alien had been humanoid, but unfortunately utterly psychotic (luckily physically smaller and weaker though) and the blood had washed out of his suit with no more than the usual difficulties. Meeting their contact had almost made up for the unnerving experience of being attacked by an intergalactic berserker and the complete destruction of his previously calm and (relatively speaking) safe world-view. And Merlin had been his handler that day, so he had had a friend to be traumatized with. Which was nice.

Harry gave a quiet hum, and went to have a bit of a clean up himself. It is nearly a decade since they last had to call for this kind of help after all.

* * *

Eggsy feels better after his shower. Even if "better" in this case means he feels more or less exactly like he has scrubbed off half of his skin and then tried (and failed) to sooth the irritated shreds left hanging to his bones by dousing himself in medical grade disinfectant. Which is more or less exactly what he had done. He is still considering getting his head shaved. Merlin must have the gear for that laying around surely? Still, Harry's dire predictions of bad chemical reactions with water (thanks for that Harry) didn't happen, so that is something. Samples were taken from his suit and then it was incinerated. It was his favorite too. Stupid, smelly, slimy alien.

Eggsy still feels rather rocky emotionally as he is heading back to the dining room. He meets Harry in the hallway. Harry looks like he has had a shower himself and he is wearing a fresh suit. Maybe he felt gross by association. Eggsy can understand that. The slime stank like donkey bollocks.

Harry is still giving him a speculative once over when they hear the shop door open and a boisterous greeting called to the actual tailor, followed quickly by;

"I remember the way!"

American. Thinks Eggsy, and a second later a man in his thirties, wearing some kind of military greatcoat is bounding up the stairs and striding towards them.

"Be prepared." Hisses Harry out of the corner of his mouth and Eggsy falls into parade rest. "Captain." He says, smiling warmly and holding out his hand.

Which the stranger _ignores completely_. Instead, he has one hand on Harry's hip and the other up his back, supporting him as he dips him. Deeply. His hand is in the hair at Harry's nape. His mouth is firmly attached to Harry's. Eggsy is reminded strongly of the black and white picture of the returning sailor kissing a nurse. And Harry, much to Eggsy's open-mouthed surprise, is not doing anything to dissuade the very thorough invasion of his personal space. His lips are moving with the stranger's. The hand that was on Harry's hip has skillfully, showing much practice, undone Harry's suit jacket and is traveling up the front of his shirt. Where it tweeks a nipple. Someone groans filthily.

Eggsy feels much too hot and gives a loud cough. Not that he looks of course, but Harry's trousers are a bit tight Eggsy reckons, and his face is a bit flushed. His glasses are definitely squint.

"Galahad. It's good to see you." The stranger says, still staring in a way that implies he might eat Harry any second.

"It's Arthur now actually." Harry says, and manages to sound perfectly calm despite the fact that Eggsy knows he has _just had his tonsils thoroughly inspected_. "This is our new Galahad. Captain Harkness may I introduce Gary Unwin? Eggsy, Jack Harkness."

Eggsy is relieved to just receive a handshake, even if it does come with a sizing up just as assessing as their tailor's, and, after the display he has just witnessed, probably just as accurate.

"Always a pleasure to meet a Galahad." Jack smiles, a bit like a shark. "It is always interesting to find out exactly how _pure_ they are."

"Shall we go in?" Harry asks, indicating the dining room door. "We have files to show you."

"Yea, where is the Wonderful Wizard of Tech?"

"Germany, doing magical things with our tech." Harry replies ushering Eggsy after their guest.

Jack takes the seat next to the head of the table. Eggsy sees his usual chair has vanished. He is completely onboard with that and steals one of the others.

"So I won't get to see him while I am here?" Jack pouts.

"Put the glasses on and you can see him Jack." Harry replies. Eggsy may be getting his wires crossed but he is sure there is still flirting happening. He puts his glasses on and pays attention like a proper adult.

"Gentlemen." Says Merlin and then smirks. "And Jack."

"Merlin! The sexy librarian look is good on you!" Says Jack happily. "Why are you not here to be properly appreciated in all your bald, bespectacled glory?"

"Unfortunately, I can't schedule for our young knights stumbling into encounters of your kind." Merlin replies. Eggsy is almost certain that Merlin is wearing his "best" jumper. What the hell is this?

"You could send me them on secondment. For further education." Jack suggests in a manner that is so completely suggestive it has to be deliberate. "Then they wouldn't get so freaked out when they do stumble into something."

"I am sure that would be very educational Jack, but we need them running missions and not in Cardiff being coddled by you." Harry is suggestive right back. "Would you play us Galahad's feed please Merlin?"

Eggsy watches again as the person he is pursuing stops being a person and starts waving slimy tentacles at him in a way that he definitely finds threatening before he shoots it, it gloops on him and _then it just fucking vanishes_.

"Well that was rude Kid." Says Jack.

"It was waving its things at me! It was _bloody terrifying_. And it covered me in smelly crap!"

"For all you know, it was communicating with you, just as terrified as you were and you literally made it piss itself, before it managed to get away."

"Eergh." Says Eggsy, and doesn't know what exactly he wants to express. "You got all your teacups Bruv?"

"Tracker on that bullet, Merlin?" Asks Jack, ignoring the question Eggsy feels is totally justified in the circumstances, even if Harry is giving him a disapproving look.

"Yes, but it is not sending any more, I can give you the last position."

"You do that Merlin, and I will start there. Give me the substance analysis too and I will compare it with the database. Harry," he says looking Eggsy's mentor directly in the eyes with identifiable heat.

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." They chorus together. Eggsy can only assume it means something to them, but he can't help having a really odd feeling about this Jack tosser.

"Merlin, if you are back in time, feel free to join us. Then I will teach your brat some intergalactic etiquette."

"Oi!" Eggsy objects quite strenuously, but Jack has already left in a swirl of coat.

Eggsy looks at Harry, who is calmly folding his glasses away now the briefing seems to be over.

"_Wot the actual fuck?!_" He says. "Just wot? Harry?"

"Eggsy?" Harry replies.

"Who the hell was that? Where does he get off chewing me out? It was a goddamned, real, live, motherfucking alien _waving its bits_ at me!" Eggsy is livid. "He can't be doing that just coz you want his man-goo!"

"Eggsy!" Harry says sharply. "Explaining Jack is an exercise in futility, you just have to experience it and deal with it yourself." He softens his tone before continuing. "If it is any comfort, he said more or less exactly the same thing to me the first time I met him and gave me a lesson in etiquette too. And my alien was coming at me at full-tilt with its claws raised and teeth out and was only half my height. I didn't like where the teeth were aimed and I felt the intention was quite clear. Jack has gone off to determine whether that particular alien, or alien type, is a threat to this planet. He really does have quite extensive experience in the area, so just let him be."

"Is he even human? Coz you and Merlin was acting all kinds o' weird. Like you got a good whiff of alien sex pollen or sumthin'. Or he's like catnip for middle-aged spies."

"He has never said he isn't human, and I found it quite impolite to ask." Harry gives a slight cough before continuing. "As for the rest... As you mentor, I give you this piece of advice, when he propositions you, which he will once he's gotten off his high horse, accept."

"I don't go with blokes Harry." Eggsy says, shaking his head. "An' he's a tosser."

Harry stands and looks down at him, disapproving again.

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it." He says.

"Is he like an ex or sumthin'? Coz you seem to have quite the flame going there Harry."

"Ask me after." Harry replies with a strange look and leaves Eggsy with too much to process.

And actually, Eggsy doesn't care. It's been a _long_ day. Not only has he discovered aliens are a thing, like for real, which was traumatic enough, he's learnt rather more than he wanted to about his mentors' sex-lives.

Fuck it, he thinks, a quick crew cut somewhere and then home for some family time. No one there will judge him for defending the Earth against the worst slimy things of the universe. Maybe his next suit should be black.

* * *

Harry actually rolls his eyes at Eggsy when he comes into the dining room with his second favorite suit on and his new haircut.

"You look like a nightclub bouncer." He says.

"Not enough tats." Eggsy replies, and because he is still feeling annoyed at the shabby treatment he received yesterday, he asks "Heard anything from Captain Hard-On yet?"

"Jack is at Brize Norton, arranging the use of some of their more involved scanning equipment." Harry's tone is neutral and Eggsy doesn't know what he wants to do about it. He doesn't like to disappoint Harry, he has admitted to himself that he needs the older man's praise.

"You got anything for me?" Eggsy asks, waving his hand vaguely at the heaps of files in front of his mentor.

Harry takes off his glasses and gives Eggsy his full attention. He lets out a sigh and shifts the files around a bit until he finds the one he wants.

"Here." He says. "It is simple, local and low priority, but it fits your new look and it won't matter too much if you have to be pulled out quickly to act as back-up."

"How am I expected to teleport to Brize Norton? Or is that a thing too?" Eggsy asks.

"He won't need help there, that is just a matter of exchanging favors." Harry replies.

"And bodily fluids?" Eggsy asks sharply. Harry can shag anyone he likes as far as he is concerned, but does it really have to be an utter tosser who can't keep it in his pants?

"I wouldn't know." Harry is annoyingly calm. "Go and bother some drug dealers Eggsy. Come back when you have decided what your problem really is. Merlin will be watching you, you can't be passed to Nimue if there is a chance of you being exposed to the life-form again."

"Life-form?! Is that the fucking politically correct term? Yeah, I'll just fuck off for a bit. For the best I think."

Eggsy rolls his folder up, mostly because he knows that annoys Harry, and stomps off. That also annoys Harry, and generally makes Eggsy feel like he is acting immaturely. He isn't bothered by that today. More of an issue is where is he going to stomp to so he can read his file in peace? He fishes his phone out of his pocket and dials quickly.

"Roxy! You bored of your day off yet? Wanna keep me company on a thing?"

* * *

Roxy looks very sophisticated. Which is normal for her, but she's gone to some lengths to look sophisticated and up for it, if offered the right substances. Eggsy appreciates her helping him out. He looks like a bodyguard (and when he says 'bodyguard', he means 'bouncer' but he is not going to admit Harry is right). She is sipping on something intentionally pink and feminine and looking dead bored, in a hot and sophisticated way. He wishes he could do his job and act the strong, silent type, but his mouth is getting away from him. Roxy has become his closest friend and even if he can't tell her about the alien, he needs to get the rest of his chest. So he is spinning quite the yarn.

"An' then, the dickhead told me I coulda got the wrong end of the stick an' the bastard was prob'ly trying to surrender or sumthin'!"

"Well, he might have been. You don't speak Urdu."

"He was fuckin' armed Roxy!"

"So were you, maybe he was trying for mutual disarmament."

"Didn't bloody look like it from where I was standing."

"Eggsy, which part of the whole thing upsets you? It's not being threatened, that happens often enough. So, is it that someone else, who knows the culture better than you, told you you may have overreacted? Or is it the fact that Harry agreed with them rather than you on this occasion?"

Eggsy really wishes he could tell her it was a bloody alien. Why is he not allowed to tell her? How much trouble can he really be in if he _just happens to let it slip_? Assuming she even believes him? But she would believe him right? She lived through the exploding heads thing too.

"You usually take constructive criticism well and are good about learning from people who know better. So what upset you about this guy? Or is it that your pride was hurt in front of Harry?"

"Eh." Says Eggsy and tries to think about the question. Any of the questions.

"Quiet, we are about to have company." Roxy says, almost without moving her lips. That is one of Roxy's many useful skills that Eggsy needs her to teach him sometime.

The questions are shoved to the back of his mind for the rest of the night as Roxy more or less lets him tag along on what was originally his mission. She has definitely got the whole proper grown-up thing down. Eggsy is a good boy, he means bodyguard, and mostly just does as she tells him, until it is all over (mission accomplished!) and he goes home to have a rather uncomfortable word with himself.

* * *

Merlin had told him to expect both their young knights for debriefing. It did not take long. It had been a simple operation and it had gone without a hitch. Why Eggsy had felt the need to involve Roxy was a bit of a mystery, but Harry congratulated them both and told them to go home.

Roxy left, but Eggsy hovered at the door.

"Harry?" His voice was not as cocky as usual, and his face was almost as wrinkled as his pug's. Something was definitely causing his mentee anguish.

"Yes Eggsy? How can I help?" Harry takes his glasses off, shutting Merlin out.

"I am sorry I was rude to Captain Harkness. I didn't show myself in a good light and I didn't mean to embarrass you. I was a bit stressed out and didn't take well to being told how to do my job, although he definitely knows better in this case and I should have been willing to listen." There is a long pause, but Harry knows Eggsy, so he waits. "He was a complete wanker about it though."

Harry smiles warmly.

"Well done Eggsy!" He says and watches the tension lift from the young man. "Jack is territorial and has very good reason to be worried about the damage that can be caused by the uninitiated. It means he tends to hammer home the message that it is best left to someone who knows what they are doing with rather more force than is strictly speaking necessary."

"He was a _wanker_." Says Eggsy again.

"He was a wanker." Harry agrees. "But he improves upon acquaintance, as long as you behave sensibly."

"I've given that some thought." Eggsy says, trying for casual and missing by miles.

"Yes?" Harry is honestly curious, and it is now obvious why Roxy was involved in Eggsy's last mission.

"Ask him if I can do a secondment? Perhaps after you've had your kippers, when he might be vulnerable to suggestions? And less likely to sock you one for trying to foist me off on him?"

"There are no actual kippers involved." Harry smiles, knowing his mentee is going off in entirely the wrong direction.

"I thought not." He says, and looks a bit green. "I'm sorry I was rude to you too, Harry. It's none of my business who you're shagging."

"Hmmm." Says Harry, not bothering to disillusion his charge. He has learnt some interesting things lately as a result of Eggsy's (perfectly logical) assumptions. "I will talk to Jack about it. Do you know what you are getting yourself in for?"

"No, not the foggiest." Eggsy replies cheerfully with honesty and casual bravery that Harry can't help admiring.

"It is a bit like Scooby Doo, but in reverse." Harry decides eventually. Eggsy looks really confused by that. "The monsters are real and generally hiding inside people costumes." He clarifies.

"So it really is like 'Men in Black'? I'll be needing a black suit then Harry."

"I haven't seen that one." Harry puts it on his mental list. "You are not having a black suit. Not with your colouring."

Eggsy pouts;

"What about a noisy cricket?" He asks, and that is so much nonsense to Harry.

"You'll have to discuss that with Jack." He says to cover his confusion. Eggsy does not look like he is buying it.

* * *

Whatever Harry says in the post-coital glow is obviously effective because he is packed off to Cardiff, with weird instructions about a giftshop, a couple of days later. He meets a small group of strange people who, although they have different (but partially overlapping) skills from him, are definitely of a recognizable general personality type. Sneaking about must just attract a certain 'type'.

He finds himself downgraded to teaboy, but he grits his teeth and apologizes to Jack. He is surprised to get an apology in return, followed by a complete report on how tracking 'his' alien went and the admission that he was totally right to shoot it. But ideally, he should have aimed more in the middle.

The month that follows is very, very strange. And also cool. But mostly vomit-worthy. Eggsy thinks he prefers blood to be red, to smell of iron and not to be corrosive. Still, Eggsy minds his manners, remembering words from a school trip from long ago ('While you are here, you are representing us as a school...') and finally understands what they meant. He wants to show he is not dead-weight and that Harry (yes and Merlin) trained him well.

So Eggsy goes on rounds collecting space vermin, and he retrieves alien tech (he is good at that, it is not so different from many other missions he's done but with extra added sci-fi), and he tracks 'beings' that are considered dangerous and (under extremely close supervision) he is allowed to interact with some (of the less violently inclined) in almost diplomatic situations.

He is given limited access to the database. It is _mind-numbingly_ terrifying. The universe is a big place, and it is filled with _fucked-up dangerous shit_. He learns about time travel. Which makes him feel angry as all hell and, at the same time, nauseous with the possibilities for fuck-ups. He is glad he doesn't meet The Doctor that Jack seems to have an enormous (man-)crush on. He thinks he might forget his manners whilst asking, for example, why the _fuck_ V-Day was allowed to happen.

He also learns about Jack Harkness. Not everything. Probably not even all that much, but then the man is immortal and that scares Eggsy too. He doesn't feel bad about that because he thinks it rather scares Jack as well. He learns that Harry was right, and it is only a matter of time until Jack tries to get into his pants.

Eggsy learns a lot of very scary things in that month. The fact that he is not as straight as he used to believe and really wouldn't be adverse to having a good looking man in his pants doesn't even really register as a real blip. He's had a lot of other things on his mind. And he has the feeling he is actually homesick. Or something. Maybe he just misses his version of 'normal'.

When it happens, it is sudden. Perhaps because Jack had previously assumed he would have more time. Or it could just be his opportunistic nature surfacing.

"Arthur wants you in Zagreb tomorrow." Jack says. "There is a plane coming to collect you in the morning. Coming to bed?"

The way he asks, makes Eggsy think he already knows the answer. And Jack has definitely been around, so maybe he does.

* * *

Harry welcomes him back from Zagreb with the usual "Well done Galahad!" that Eggsy knows will never get old. Then he takes him out to dinner and they don't talk about anything work related at all.

When they are sharing a taxi back home, both having had a glass too much of something that Harry recommended and did taste bloody good, Eggsy asks a question he has been wondering about for some time.

"So do we have a contact for things that go bump in the night?" He asks with a wide grin.

Harry looks shifty for a second before he gets his face under control and says;

"Don't be ridiculous Eggsy!"

"Shut up!" Eggsy isn't buying it and his grin is now splitting his face in half. "You know the Ghostbusters?!"

"They retired when Dr Spengler moved on." Harry replies, sulking that he is too drunk to fool Eggsy. Possibly it was more than one glass too many, or he has become a light-weight since he left the field. "There is a pair of brothers who deal with that sort of thing these days."

"Massive marshmallows?" Asks Eggsy.

"If necessary, I suppose. But mostly demons and the like."

"Can I do a secondment with them too?" Eggsy asks, forgetting for a moment that he is actually quite glad to be home, has had enough weird shit for a while and has serious grown-up things he means to talk to Harry about.

"Only if you want to have to replace your entire wardrobe after." Says Harry. "They have an unhealthy obsession with pie and terrible American beer."

* * *

AN2 - Did he or didn't he join the Conquests Of Jack Harkness Club? Was he saving himself for a different good looking man? I couldn't decide, so I copped out. Maybe I will write both versions and post them seperately.

Whenever Jack comes to visit, he and Harry have Red Dwarf marathons. Merlin is always invited, but he doesn't like the smell of kippers - Harry always threatens to make them for breakfast, but never actually does because he is always hung-over to all hell.

Merlin and Jack's bonding activity is table football. They are both very competitive. Harry thinks it is hilarious, and tells them they get so wound up because neither of their nations have a hope in hell of actually winning the World Cup. They both give him the traditional Scottish salute to the English in response. This may well be why he says it.

Both Kingsmen know you can sleep with Jack once, but more than that, regardless of how educational and utterly spectacular it is, is just asking for all kinds of trouble. Flirting is fun though and kissing is (scientifically proven to be) good for the immune system.

They occasionally try to play naked hide and seek. But Jack cheats. He always cheats.


End file.
